Freaking-Out Over "Nothing"

I haven't learned to speak French. I haven't made friends with any native French speakers. I'm spending my days doing "nothing." This week I saw the X-Files movie (even if you are an X-Files fan, wait for the DVD,) went to the Musee des Arts et Metier (absolutely fascinating and it made me realize how little I know, for example, about how things came to be measured; the invention of clocks, paper and glass; magnetic recording of CDs etc. etc.) went swimming (three times,) took a walk along Paris Plage (a fake beach,) wrote in my journal (a paper notebook,) read a book (a few chapters anyway,) and watched television (under the pretense of learning French.) But I'm not doing anything!!!

Can you tell I'm freaking out a little? With less than five weeks in Paris remaining, I'm setting goals, retrospeictively. For example, before arriving I had not planned on becoming reasonably competent in French, though I had hoped it would improve somewhat, which it has. Somehow, I now imagine that I should be meeting native French people as this would somehow allow me to prolong my time here. Not a rational thought, but there it is. There are still many things that I haven't seen or done in Paris which I now feel I should. Of course, one could spend a lifetime here and still not see and do everything.

Oddly, time passes quickly and I don't get bored. I can't explain what I'm feeling, but I can say that it is a bit uncomfortable. Is it guilt? Should I be doing something that I am not? Is it generalized anxiety that I will be returing to San Francisco all too soon? Is it... Oh My God... is it that I am relaxing? What is this feeling? Why did it take three and a half months to reach this point?

Maybe I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing - "nothing." Vacations and sabbaticals, and ostensibly quitting one's job and moving to Paris for five months, really are an opportunity to drain one's emotional and mental reservoirs, to create capacity for new and rewarding experiences. And here I am, draining my reservoir, relaxing and doing what I want to do because I can.

During the end of July and August, many stores, restaurants and yes, my treasured patisseries, close for three to four weeks. People go on vacation. Paris is oddly quiet during this time. I've never been one to take a vacation for a few weeks to just relax. Instead, I always took vacations to go do as much as I could and would return home exhausted (if I did it right.) But now, I'm learning something new. After four months in Paris, I'm learning how to relax. How to be a human BE-ing and not just a human DO-ing.

So, I'm "doing" nothing" and just "being." It's odd, but as the French have discovered, it's a good thing.